Unicorn Services provided by me, thomas Williams

Through Ask Jeeves, I will video chat you dressed as a unicorn and sign any song you want (minus any songs from Canadian singers, which there is no price for me to sing)

I will pay a professional photographer (no matter the cost) to take pictures of me doing anything you want, literally fucking anything you want, no limits. You will then receive the pictures via Nonstop boat and must prominently hang them on your refrigerator. You will send me pictures of my pictures and I will text you a reaction video of me looking at the pictures you sent. 

Don’t want to potty train your kids by yourself? You can hire a me for that. I will dress as a unicorn and teach your kids to shit like adults using the toilet at a rest stop along I-95 on Labor Day Weekend. 

I will fly to your funeral (I cover the ticket cost) and stand a short distance away with a black umbrella, but not open. I will cry but not acknowledge anyone who asks me questions. 

Yup, that's right. You can pay me to do the sex things your boyfriend won't do, dressed as a unicorn. No limits. No rules. Literally anything goes. In fact, fuck it, I'll pay you. Give me your name and address and I'll be right over. Cash in hand. No weirdos.