About me

Listen, my name is Thomas Williams and I fucking love Unicorns (I also love fucking Unicorns). They are majestic beings that simply ooze rainbows, the best type of bow. They are the most wonderful animal and I'll fight anyone who says otherwise (try me bitch!). While the evidence of support is indefensible, here are the top 10 things about unicorns for the naysayers:

1. Unicorns are earthbound That’s right — despite possessing beauty and power that seemingly defy the laws of our universe, unicorns call our humble Earth “home” (making it hard for them to escape my desires...) While I'm happy to share my space with such majestic creatures, they do set a pretty unrealistic standard for others being so sexy.
2. Unicorns are small but mighty. While a unicorn may be large in stature next to a common human, among beasts, it’s quite diminutive. You should never underestimate these horned horses, though, because they are powerful enough to bring down an elephant, but you can avoid unicorn aggression by simply playing the unscarved skin tube.     
3. Unicorns are solar-powered. If you happen to stumble upon a unicorn in the forest, you won’t see it munching grass. That’s way too horse-like. They actually use their horns to absorb the sun’s light and convert it into energy. They also murder leprechauns and drink their blood, which is great, because fuck leprechauns.
4. Those iconic horns have a name. They are called “alicorns” and are said to contain magical healing powers, plus sexual radiation, 'said to' by me, Thomas Williams, AKA the unicorn blower.... 
5. You’ll have to hike if you want to find a unicorn. They are rumored to live deep within forests (specifically enchanted ones), so you’re unlikely to ever see one. But let's be honest, you won't because only true lovers of unicorns are willing to put in this effort!  
6. Unicorns stick together. Typically, unicorns live in groups of four to five, making them communal creatures. They have sex the same way, in groups of four or five. While most people never have the honor to enter the inner unicorn circle, I have, because unicorns love me almost as much as I love them.  
7. They’ve been around a long time. In the Middle Ages, unicorns didn’t necessarily symbolize fantasy; it was just sex back then.  
8. Like normal horses, unicorns come in a variety of colors, each as vibrant and beautiful as the next, but unlike horses, unicorns aren't fucking stupid.  
9. Unicorns are magical beyond belief. Speaking of color, if you manage to lay hands on a white unicorn, you’ll receive a special gift — eternal happiness (in the form of a 4 hour boner). 
10. And the best thing about Unicorns, they hate Canada and their communist government. Fuck Canada.